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win-win-win! - Shared parenting hat-trick

29/5/2016

17 Comments

 
Dad on shared parental leave SPL holding baby
'mothering instinct'; 'mummy knows best'; 'only a mummy can fix it'; 'daddy should be working'; 'mummy shouldn't go back to work "early"';
'can you trust dad with the baby?'


Dads taking on the role of a full-time parent is shaking up a lot of the things people are use to. Some people don't just expect mums to be the only person responsible for the baby, they also think it's better than the dad being in charge. ​They think it's neglectful for mum to return to work 'early', and that the dad needs to keep up his role as breadwinner for the family (awkward stereotype for me since the wife earns way more than I do).
Nowadays, it's rare to come across these views openly, but a lot of people think them privately. Around 22% of people in the UK still think that mum makes the best parent, with most of those thinking that mums just make 'more natural' parents, or that dads just don't fit into the role of full-time parent well... But I haven't met a single dad yet who hasn't been overrun by goose-bumps and nurturing instinct for their little trolls. Nor have I seen a single reason why dads make worse parents than mums...
More dads are pushing back at these traditional ideas, and with time they'll probably fade along with other prejudices. But it's worth spelling out, wherever we can, why the ideas have as much strength as fruit tea. (I really think I might be missing the taste-bud these teas are aiming at).
'Dads taking over is bad for the babies'... Hmm, let's not get too frustrated here. A few dodgy studies claimed a while back that children were crippled when their mums 'abandoned' them and went back to work. But let's get this straight, not only is it clear now that mums going back to work is not bad for their kids, and that it can also be good for them, but we're talking about dads taking on the role of the parent, so the kids are a long way from being abandoned.

​But aren't dads incompetent? Well, yes (speaking personally here), but mums can be too. That's just part of being a parent. It doesn't mean that we're worse parents. The evidence says that kids benefit from dads taking a more active role in their lives. So the more we can share parenting, the more the kid is likely to win.

​Having two parents a kid can closely relate to because they're taking equal roles in their lives can only help that win. Being a single-parent or a parent who has to take sole responsibility for a kid is of course heroic. My wife and I have agreed this, frequently, since the Little Bear was born. It's difficult and exhausting for two parents, let alone one. Which brings us to the mums.
Picture
Evidence: Incompetent dad taking picture of sleeping newborn Little Bear without switching flash off
​The arguments for a woman's career, if she wants one, are pretty clear. If the dad can take some of the parental leave, then she doesn't have to take such a big hit to her career plans. So a win for working mums, and hopefully the whole family too since everyone should benefit from a more fulfilled and professionally successful mum.
​But... I've heard people say that  mums shouldn't want to not be there for every second of their kids' lives. Making out that it's 'fundamental' to being a woman to be the main parent, often to the exclusion of the dad. But being a parent, mum or dad, isn't just cuddles, giggles and face slaps. It's also really tough. I know my wife puts a huge amount of pressure on herself to be the main person responsible for the Little Bear when he's upset, but this isn't necessary when there are two ready parents on hand. Sharing the burden must be a win for the mum. 
Picture
Face slap for pappa
I also know that the only way we both know how to comfort him when he needs it, and to sense what his problems are (all problems are big for a little person), is practice and spending time with him. The instinct is parental, not just maternal. And it's learnt, through weeks of waking up every hour during the night, through the messy mishaps of putting nappies on wrong, and through hours of holding them when they're sad so they smile whenever they see you. Sharing these moments with the dad doesn't make the mum any less of a mum, it just makes it easier to be a mum.
But what does the dad get from sharing the parenting? Well, for most dads I've spoken to, this question is a bit like cold porridge. It doesn't taste right, and seems rather pointless. Being a dad is a fantastic experience, and the more you get involved, the more you get out of it. Taking parental leave also seems to get dads hooked on relating to their little people (like a gateway drug), because that's how great it can be. Being able to share parenting isn't just something us active dads feel we have to do for our little monkeys or for our partners, it's something we want to do because it's awesome.
'taking parental leave also seems to get dads hooked on relating to their little people (like a gateway drug), because that's how great it can be'
 So, despite some old fashion ideas about who should be looking after the kids, sharing parenting when you can seems to be a win for Baby, Mum and Dad together. A real family hat-trick!
17 Comments
Christina
29/5/2016 01:05:22 pm

Well written!
I hope this will give inspiration to other families!

Reply
Sarah link
29/5/2016 02:43:01 pm

This is interesting! And you have a lot of good points I hadn't thought of before. For us, as a family who wants to breastfeed as long as possible, it's been way better for me to stay at home with our babies. I think that's (for better or worse) something which new parents need to consider, since pumping is a huge pain and not very efficient. But it is completely not fair that dads are labeled as "not as good" of a parent. I'm glad I read your perspective!

Reply
Dave
30/5/2016 09:01:08 am

You're right Sarah, and every family should be free to choose what's right for them. The point here is that because of some myths around fatherhood, the choice of sharing parenting is more difficult than it should be. Thanks for the comment!

Reply
Sarah - Mum & Mor link
4/6/2016 10:02:49 am

I'm thrilled to read this post. I feel very strongly about dads being treated as equals and hate that negative stereotypes are still all over the place. My boyfriend shares the parenting duties equally with me and was able to have 5 weeks paternity leave which helped a lot. He only works part-time too, so in a way that benefits us.

Reply
Dave
6/6/2016 08:09:43 am

Thanks Sarah! Glad to hear more parents able share parenting.

Reply
Claire link
18/9/2016 09:23:27 pm

This is fantastic. While I knew I had to be the one to stay home, I just couldn't imagine it any other way, we have been as equal as possible on the parenting front. When Husband is home we do everything where the kids are involved 50-50. It makes Husband and I so mad when we go out public places and find the baby changing facilities are only in the womans toilets! #eatsleepblogrt

Reply
Dave
18/9/2016 09:30:34 pm

True Clare! Women only changing is really annoying!

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John Adams link
21/9/2016 10:58:25 pm

I've been a stay at home dad for a few years now so I hardly need to tell you my opinions! All you need to do is read the MenCare report from last year: The State of the World's Fathers. fascinating stuff that shows fathers are as capable parents as mothers. #BrilliantBlogPosts

Reply
Dave
22/9/2016 12:05:15 am

Thanks John. I'll have a look at the report, sounds like a good one. Cheers

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Petite Pudding link
22/9/2016 08:56:25 pm

Great post - I think shared parental leave is brilliant for all. My husband and I didn't share parental leave but I returned to work when Pudding was 6 months and we share childcare. When he is at work I have the kids and vice versa. We don't have any other help so we both know the kids really well. When we are all off together we can both respond to the children equally which makes everyones life better :) #EatSleepBlogRT

Reply
Dave
26/9/2016 05:35:46 pm

Totally agree. Works for us too and makes parenting much more fun

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Emily link
30/9/2016 09:12:33 am

Fab post. I had a year off after the birth of my twins, but my husband and I are lucky that we can share looking after our children. My husband is home with them on a Monday & Tuesday, and I for the rest of the week. It's a nice balance. Thanks for linking up! #ThatFridayLinky

Reply
Dave
3/10/2016 04:40:13 pm

That sounds like a great balance. Hopefully more people will be able to do things like that if they want in the future.

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Juile @Superficial Gallery link
30/9/2016 08:34:17 pm

My kids are in sixth and third grade and my husband and I are a pretty good team. I am a stay at home mom so I do quite a bit of it but I have an autoimmune disorder and am often in bed ill and he handles the house with ease. Glad you are raising dad awareness!

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Dave
23/10/2016 09:22:47 am

It's great to hear about more parenting teams as dads start playing a bigger role!

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Nige
2/10/2016 08:19:47 pm

I have written a few times about dads not being treated as equals totally with you dude fantastic post Thanks for linking to the #THAT FRIDAY LINKY come back next week please

Reply
Jade - Raw Childhood link
3/10/2016 09:28:42 pm

Love this post! We are a modern family and i'm at university while daddy is full time at home. What works for some won't work for others :) #thatfridaylinky

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    I'm Dave, dad of Little Bear. Also known as 'Pappa' to the little man as we try and bring out his Swedish roots

    My wife and I are sharing the troubles and joys of bringing up Little Bear equally. This is about my half of the time being responsible for not breaking the baby

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