win-win-win! - Shared parenting hat-trick

'mothering instinct'; 'mummy knows best'; 'only a mummy can fix it'; 'daddy should be working'; 'mummy shouldn't go back to work "early"';
'can you trust dad with the baby?'

Dads taking on the role of a full-time parent is shaking up a lot of the things people are use to. Some people don't just expect mums to be the only person responsible for the baby, they also think it's better than the dad being in charge. ​They think it's neglectful for mum to return to work 'early', and that the dad needs to keep up his role as breadwinner for the family (awkward stereotype for me since the wife earns way more than I do).

Nowadays, it's rare to come across these views openly, but a lot of people think them privately. Around 22% of people in the UK still think that mum makes the best parent, with most of those thinking that mums just make 'more natural' parents, or that dads just don't fit into the role of full-time parent well... But I haven't met a single dad yet who hasn't been overrun by goose-bumps and nurturing instinct for their little trolls. Nor have I seen a single reason why dads make worse parents than mums...

More dads are pushing back at these traditional ideas, and with time they'll probably fade along with other prejudices. But it's worth spelling out, wherever we can, why the ideas have as much strength as fruit tea. (I really think I might be missing the taste-bud these teas are aiming at).

'Dads taking over is bad for the babies'... Hmm, let's not get too frustrated here. A few dodgy studies claimed a while back that children were crippled when their mums 'abandoned' them and went back to work. But let's get this straight, not only is it clear now that mums going back to work is not bad for their kids, and that it can also be good for them, but we're talking about dads taking on the role of the parent, so the kids are a long way from being abandoned.

​But aren't dads incompetent? Well, yes (speaking personally here), but mums can be too. That's just part of being a parent. It doesn't mean that we're worse parents. The evidence says that kids benefit from dads taking a more active role in their lives. So the more we can share parenting, the more the kid is likely to win.

​Having two parents a kid can closely relate to because they're taking equal roles in their lives can only help that win. Being a single-parent or a parent who has to take sole responsibility for a kid is of course heroic. My wife and I have agreed this, frequently, since the Little Bear was born. It's difficult and exhausting for two parents, let alone one. Which brings us to the mums.

Evidence: Incompetent dad taking picture of sleeping newborn Little Bear without switching flash off

​The arguments for a woman's career, if she wants one, are pretty clear. If the dad can take some of the parental leave, then she doesn't have to take such a big hit to her career plans. So a win for working mums, and hopefully the whole family too since everyone should benefit from a more fulfilled and professionally successful mum.

​But... I've heard people say that  mums shouldn't want to not be there for every second of their kids' lives. Making out that it's 'fundamental' to being a woman to be the main parent, often to the exclusion of the dad. But being a parent, mum or dad, isn't just cuddles, giggles and face slaps. It's also really tough. I know my wife puts a huge amount of pressure on herself to be the main person responsible for the Little Bear when he's upset, but this isn't necessary when there are two ready parents on hand. Sharing the burden must be a win for the mum. 

Face slap for pappa

I also know that the only way we both know how to comfort him when he needs it, and to sense what his problems are (all problems are big for a little person), is practice and spending time with him. The instinct is parental, not just maternal. And it's learnt, through weeks of waking up every hour during the night, through the messy mishaps of putting nappies on wrong, and through hours of holding them when they're sad so they smile whenever they see you. Sharing these moments with the dad doesn't make the mum any less of a mum, it just makes it easier to be a mum.

But what does the dad get from sharing the parenting? Well, for most dads I've spoken to, this question is a bit like cold porridge. It doesn't taste right, and seems rather pointless. Being a dad is a fantastic experience, and the more you get involved, the more you get out of it. Taking parental leave also seems to get dads hooked on relating to their little people (like a gateway drug), because that's how great it can be. Being able to share parenting isn't just something us active dads feel we have to do for our little monkeys or for our partners, it's something we want to do because it's awesome.

'taking parental leave also seems to get dads hooked on relating to their little people (like a gateway drug), because that's how great it can be'

 So, despite some old fashion ideas about who should be looking after the kids, sharing parenting when you can seems to be a win for Baby, Mum and Dad together. A real family hat-trick!