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What do we expect from dads?

17/10/2016

39 Comments

 
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Security Guard: 'So you're baby-sitting today?'
Dad:
'No, I look after the little bear full time'
Guard:
'So where's mum?'
Dad:
'She's working'
Guard:
'Oh! Very nice for her [laughs awkwardly]. As long as you don't have to change the nappies, women are built for that sort of thing!'
Another random bloke:
'Yea mate [laughing], wouldn't touch that!'
Dad:
[forces a smile] 'Do you have a baby-changing room in the building? Preferably not in the women's toilets'
[Post features in the book Dads Don't Babysit]

Why is being a bloke often lumped with not wanting to parent properly? What do we expect from dads? What do we mean by 'fatherhood', aside from a bloke who gave half the ingredients for a baby? And what impact do these ideas have on our jobs and the rest of our lives? People agree what 'maternal' means. Mums are thought to be instinctively nurturing and responsible. But things get a little more fuzzy when it comes to what being a dad is about...
Some people think dad is meant to be the strict parent, others the irresponsible and silly one (the Homer Simpson type). Capable of earning, incapable of running the family and certainly not to be relied on to look after the kids. Some think he's fun, others lazy, some that he's the absent breadwinner protecting his family, others that he's just absent. Some dads want to be involved with their kids, but supposedly can't change a nappy, others think that walking with a pushchair in the park would somehow threaten their status as a man.
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​So a 'dad' could be the working but uninvolved parent, or he could be the guy who plays with the kids, but leaves the real parenting to mum, or he could be the guy who helps mum 'do her job', like a back-up parent. All of these 'types' of dads have one thing in common, the mum is responsible for the little trolls, and their role is to 'help' or 'let her do her thing'.

But there are also dads who are sharing parenting with their partners, or even being the main carers for their kids. They certainly aren't 'hands-off', nor are they 'mum's assistant'. Dads who instinctively spring in to action when they hear the more serious fart sound coming from the nappy. Dads who know it's their turn to wake up in the night for their little angel (or rather little demon at 3am). Dads who have a sense of purpose when they leave work early to do the school run, or at no notice to take their vomiting offspring home. Dads who take the initiative to replenish the endless supply shortage of tiny socks, and spend far too much time on Google finding out how to cook and puree vegetables. But this isn't what most people think of when they think of dads.

These dads are not less fun than the Homer Simpson type. It's our job to make our kids laugh, and more importantly laugh at them when they're silly. Dads generally do do the baby-plane best. But we want to be more than the deputy or back-up parent.

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Let's be clear: these dad's are not just 'blokes with no ambition', they are not 'interfering with mum's job', and they are not 'more in touch with their feminine side'. When people, like the security guard above, think these things, they prop up a world that makes it more difficult for dads to choose to be a more active, tiny-sock-buying type of dad.

If people believe deep-down, mums are really responsible for changing nappies, it becomes reasonable to only put nappy changing stations in women's toilets (this has led to Little Bear being changed on lobby, airport and cafe tables to the shock of people working there). It means everyone's a little shocked when a dad comes to a 'parent'/mum-and-baby group or feels a little excluded by a parental advice forum with 'mum' in the title. Or an advert that says, 'because mom always knows best'. And it probably makes a lot of blokes worried about asking their boss for flexible working, shared parental leave, or to change their working hours because they have a kid.

​The workplace is a tough one. Dads, like any other bloke, are meant to be ambitious at work because they're the ones who are expected to bring home the bacon for the family. There are still people who think it's emasculating when a guy's earning less than his partner, or being a stay-at-home-dad, because they think deep-down that this is woman's work.

So when dads ask for new working arrangements because they need to look after their kid for a day a week, eyebrows will be raised, careers will suffer because they clearly 'lack ambition', and in the private sector, they might just be told no. Don't get me wrong, it's clearly bad for mums too. But if a mum wants to change her work patterns because of kids, no one's going to be surprised, and there a plenty of people who would think she's 'doing the right thing'. But dads aren't going to get that support and encouragement. Not yet.

And that's going to stop a lot of dads who want to be the buggy-pushing, nappy-changing, hungry-caterpillar reading dad from doing what they want to do. Great for those who do it anyway, but it's like saying that because May is Prime-Minister, there is no more sexism against women. It's just not true and we shouldn't expect blokes to ignore what people expect from them as dads. 

If you liked this post and want to know more about problems like the Paternity Gap and the Babysitting Handicap, and how we can fix them, try out the book Dads Don't Babysit: Towards Equal Parenting 

For more on Sharing Parenting click here

Petite Pudding
39 Comments
alex link
17/10/2016 10:16:14 am

Ah- "Daddy Pig" syndrome- the expectation that men will be hopeless at everything to do with parenting or housework.

I personally think it's also quite derogatory to women; effectively saying all they're good for is housework and parenting!

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Dave
17/10/2016 11:27:42 pm

Too true Alex. Daddy Pig's another one. Struggling to find dads on TV that don't follow that stereotype

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Catie: An imperfect mum link
17/10/2016 03:03:08 pm

I loved this post. You are absolutely spot on! My partner and I share the child care. We are both responsible for our children. But there are many people who still hold old fashioned mum centric beliefs and changing those will be a gradual process and hopefully our workplaces will try and catch up soon. Thank you for linking up to #EatSleepBlogRT

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Dave
17/10/2016 11:24:37 pm

Fingers crossed :) although I feel employers are being slow to catch on

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One Messy Mama link
17/10/2016 07:34:34 pm

Fantastic post! Great hands on dad! I'm super fortunate to have a husband that is so involved with the kids! #eatsleepblogRT

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Dave
17/10/2016 11:23:20 pm

We need more dads like that! Thanks

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Sheila
20/10/2016 07:31:35 am

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Sheila
20/10/2016 07:33:12 am

Keep on trying to change the world, Dave. We'll get there in the end!

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Dave
9/11/2016 10:02:41 am

Progress feels painfully slow at times but fingers crossed

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Cal at Family Makes link
20/10/2016 07:10:14 pm

Well done for taking your part in changing people's attitudes, both by writing about it and by actually 'doing it'! We've come a long way in society in the last 30 or 40 years (when Dads didn't even go into the delivery room!), but there's still a way to go. #EatSleepBlogRT

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Dave
9/11/2016 10:03:36 am

Thanks. Hope it will be easier for next generation

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Alana - Burnished Chaos link
24/10/2016 09:01:24 pm

Love this post, I don't know the answer but posts like this are certainly helping to raise awareness and change people's viewpoints.
#MarvMondays

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Dave
27/10/2016 08:32:47 am

Thanks Alana. Let's hope more dads start pushing back

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aNoviceMum link
25/10/2016 12:15:51 pm

So sad to still have this level of stereotyping; and good for you to not adjust your intention in order to fit in with the guard and random bloke. Being a father is something to be proud of and this definitely includes participation in all areas of caring for one's child. Your blog is another step closer to the day when conversations like this won't happen again. #Twitter

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Dave
27/10/2016 08:31:34 am

Thanks! Hope we can start to change things

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claire link
27/10/2016 11:47:14 am

This is a fantastic post. Well written and well said!
It makes me so angry if my husband isn't able to change our baby when we're out and about because the changing facilities are only in the women's toilets (not because it means I have to do it, but because it seems to imply he isn't necessarily in charge of the situation and it falls to mum by default). Also it REALLY wound me up when the health visitor seemed surprised to see my husband each time she came to the house when our baby was still quite young. She even commented 'oh, you're here again'. WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T HE BE HERE, YOU'VE COME TO DO A HEALTH CHECK ON HIS CHILD! Ugh and now I'm angry again thinking about it. This particular situation made him feel a bit hurt, like he wasn't meant to be part of the process. Shutting dads out this way is awful. Hurrah to sharing parenting! What a great post. #bloggerclubuk

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Dave
27/10/2016 02:55:32 pm

Cheers Claire. I'm getting annoyed for your husband too! So tactless of the health visitor. We've had a few similar comments, makes you feel quite awkward as a dad

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Michelle G link
27/10/2016 03:42:36 pm

Yes - I was nodding along with all of this. Your first paragraph sounded like my husband when he was on shared parental leave - when he was patronised frequently. When are we going to realise that fathers are parents too and aren't babysitting? They are parenting. I am so fed up with the inequality. My husband and I both parent our child. End of. Great post #SharingTheBlogLove

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Dave
9/11/2016 10:05:11 am

It's unfair really. Glad you could relate to the post :)

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Topfivemum link
27/10/2016 04:24:20 pm

This is so spot on. I think dads get such a harder rap for being a stay at home dad than mums do. And when it comes to careers, although the legislation may have changed to allow men to take half of the 'maternity' leave, I think it's still a hard one for men to raise due to the impact on their careers. My husband would have loved to have taken 6 months off with our kids but it doesn't make financial sense for us to do it. He's potentially going to take redundancy in April, when I'm due to go back to work and we're seriously considering whether he takes over. I know he'll never regret it. As for people thinking dad is the 'babysitter', that's such an old fashioned view isn't it? A week after I gave birth to our second baby, I had to be in hospital for two nights. My hubby took our 18m old and baby to a play group. When he was running after the toddler while the baby was crying in the pram, a woman said 'oh, mum at home having a rest is she?' For F's sake!! Women need to support men. We're our own worst enemies when it comes to keeping women AND men firmly back in the 50s sometimes. Brilliant post - sharing now! #sharingthebloglove

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Dave
9/11/2016 10:06:42 am

He really won't regret it! It's so great as a dad to get the chance, he'll probably love it.

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Louise - Mummy Miller link
27/10/2016 10:31:57 pm

I hate it when people say dads are babysitting! No, they're looking after their child, just like a mother would! I hate that so many men are so anti doing things for their children i.e changing a nappy, why shouldn't the caring be shared? My husband does his fair share of looking after our son and he loves it! He would hate notbeing involved. Thanks for sharing #SharingTheBlogLove

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My Petit Canard link
29/10/2016 11:42:50 pm

Great post. I couldnt agree more. There needs to be a lot less talk and a lot more action. Its great that both parents can now take maternity leave, but a lot more needs to be done in terms of practice and infrastructure that help make equal parenting the absolute norm. Another great post, thanks for sharing it on #MarvMondays. Emily

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Dave
9/11/2016 10:08:25 am

Thanks Emily! Hopefully more dads will be able to take up the fight too

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Katy - Hot Pink Wellingtons link
30/10/2016 12:33:29 pm

I did think that society's views had changed on the importance of fathers, but after having my son, I've had so many really surprising comments about how 'hands on' my husband is that it's clear that this attitude is still out there. Comments from his family about 'how lucky I am' that he changes nappies, comments when I'm out asking if 'Daddy is babysitting' - all things that completely go against how we feel about our role as parents. Sure, my husband works full time, while I'm only part time, but we definitely see ourselves as a parenting team. There may be times when he does more, and times when I do more, but we're in it together - we both wanted to have a baby after all! Thanks so much for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove

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Laura - dear bear and beany link
30/10/2016 09:28:22 pm

This is spot on! I really don't know what needs to be done for dads to be seen as an equal parent in a child's life. My husband is as hands on as he can be, whilst working also. But he finds that the times that he can be a dad society stops him. Being able to change Holly's nap easily when he is out, so many places have the changing facilities in the ladies being just one example. Thank you for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove x

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Angela Watling link
31/10/2016 02:56:20 pm

Great post and I couldn't agree more. I hate the endless stereotyping that affects mothers, fathers and kids. Either parent should be able to do either role. I only hope that over time, every single parent challenging convention by doing what they want will slowly make things change. Suspect it will be a few generations because perceptions really change though! #fortheloveofBLOG

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Rhian Harris link
2/11/2016 09:52:33 am

It's great to see a Dad who is the main caregiver, and I have friends that have given up good jobs to be SAHDs, which I think is fab if it works for their family. What does annoy me though, is when Dads are often given loads more credit for doing the same thing that SAHMs do every day! Like as if they are doing something tougher than us Mums just because they didn't birth them! I've even seen screaming kids given more tollerance because they are with a man when women often get lots of 'tut tut - control your child' stares. Society needs to look less at the gender and just remember the hard job going on! Great post though :-) #BloggerClubUK

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Helen link
2/11/2016 08:16:14 pm

I think there's an assumption that Dad's want to 'get off lightly' that they are always wanting to dodge the bullet as it were, be it changing nappies or night feeds. This might have been the story once upon a time but it certainly isn't the stereotype that we should be believing. Great posting.

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Susie at This Is Me Now link
3/11/2016 07:29:55 am

This is such a great post. And so many really valid points. I am sharing x #fortheloveofBlog

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Emma Islandliving365.com link
4/11/2016 08:00:18 am

I love this post! I agree that our society still has a very old fashioned view of the dad's role! At one time we were both working full-time and me and my husband would share out taking time off when our little one was ill. However, it was difficult and he would always get comments like "your wife should be doing that". It became so difficult trying to balance it all that we discussed one of us becoming a stay-at-parent. We discussed Mr C staying at home and it was an option we seriously considered. #ThatFridayLinky

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Emily link
4/11/2016 05:26:50 pm

Great post! I hate it when people think dads babysit their own kids. No-one would ever say that to a mum so why do people think it's ok to say it to a dad? Thanks for linking up to That Friday Linky

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Sunita - Lucky Things Blog link
4/11/2016 09:58:57 pm

Great post as just as mums have to deal with stereotypes, dads also have a hard time! Dads know what to do with their babies and kids just as much as mums do. That's what we loved about Tokyo - there were changing facilities in the men's toilets too. I hope lots of dads get to take shared parental leave - it's also great for bonding #fortheloveofBLOG

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jeremy@thirstydaddy link
5/11/2016 02:55:34 pm

Preach on brother #thatfridaylinky

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Nige
6/11/2016 08:59:00 pm

100% behind you on this one this has happened to me on a number of occasions and really annoys me brilliantly written mate Thanks for linking to the #THAT FRIDAY LINKY come back next week please

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Ross - The Stented Papa link
7/11/2016 06:24:54 am

Dave - I couldn't have written this any better man. So accurate and true. I am that Dad who spends hours sorting tiny socks, forever trying to find the changing station in the mens jacks, being the only Dad in a Mums group, reading the books & being silly on a regular basis. I gave up work (due to health reasons) to become a SAHD and I absolutely love it. More to the point, my wife loves it and feels so much safer & comfortable that our girls are with me. It fits our families requirement like a glove and I feel privileged my wife has such a good job which allows me to do this. Old fashioned stereotypes & pre-determined Mammy / Daddy roles frustrate the hell our of me. I'm a bloody good Dad, I love spending time with my girls and being there with them when they need me. I am not Daddy Pig or Honer Simpson either! Brilliant post dude, really glad I found it. #ThatFridayLinky

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Carolina Twin Mom / Mary Peterson link
8/11/2016 03:08:06 pm

This was quite a thought-provoking read. I have never given much thought to the lack of changing facilities in a men's room (probably because I so seldom enter a men's room). The good news is that attitudes seem to be changing, albeit slowly! I have 2 girlfriends whose husbands are SAHDs. In my view for these families, their arrangements make the most sense. From a financial point of view, both women's educational background and work history put them at a greater potential for high incomes. From an emotional standpoint, both dads are the more nurturing of the pairs. It certainly seems like you are great at your job! #bloggerclubuk

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Mackenzie Glanville link
19/11/2016 01:11:10 am

Growing up my family was super traditional, dad worked all the time, mum was at home working her butt off to keep the home pristine and cook amazing dinners. Dad wasn't allowed in the birthing suite with mum for my siblings birth as it just wasn't done. When I acme along 4 years later than my sister they finally allowed him in, but then thing got complicated and they told him he could not stay. My best memories with dad was on holidays because that was the only time he wasn't working. Funnily enough my sister and I both married men who are heavily involved in raising the children, they both even cook all the dinners. My dad is now retired and has so much to do with his grandchildren and yes has even finally changed a nappy. I think he regrets that things weren't different. My hubby worked from home when our 3rd child was born and did until he was almost 7 which meant he was around for everything. It has made our household a lot happier and our 3 kids don't look at either of us as the lead parent. Keep up the great work!

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Maddadskillz link
12/12/2016 06:41:05 am

You've hit the nail on the head here. Interestingly I think the low expectations come from both sides. I know many women who give their man "a chance" to parent, hover over him and nag because it's not done her way. So of course the guy withdraws and leaves the work to her.

One of the most common responses to my SPL has been either "oh my husband wouldn't do that" [without asked him] or "oh my husband COUDN'T do that".

As my wife always says, "I've had no more training for this than you!"

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    I'm Dave, dad of Little Bear. Also known as 'Pappa' to the little man as we try and bring out his Swedish roots

    My wife and I are sharing the troubles and joys of bringing up Little Bear equally. This is about my half of the time being responsible for not breaking the baby

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