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Not so different

17/7/2018

23 Comments

 
Why mums and dads make equally good parents
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Attitudes are changing fast around the role of dads in the family. But we’re still stuck with a lot of outdated baggage that guilts mums into being left with all the childcare responsibility, and implies that dads ‘naturally’ don’t belong in the role of a lead parent. 
Arguments for mums ‘naturally’ being left with all childcare responsibility when the little one arrives:
  1. Because of the ‘maternal instinct’
  2. Because she was the one who was pregnant
  3. Because of hormones
  4. Because of the special bond with the baby
  5. Because she needs to ‘rest’ rather than go back to work at the beginning (for parents who think this makes sense, we’re jealous of your first experience of looking after a newborn)
  6. Because mums’ hips are built for carrying babies
  7. Because mums can multi-task
  8. Because people will have opinions if she’s not the main parent
 
Dads often miss out on the idea that they can be ‘naturals’ at parenting, or are even given the impression that if they do come across as good parents, it is unusual and something that prompts comment and even shock from strangers. This keeps open the paternity gap.
 
But we can just as equally make some daft arguments for why dads should always be the ‘main’ parent when the little one arrives:
  1. Because of the ‘paternal instinct’
  2. Because she was the one who was pregnant (if you carry them around for 9 months, the least dad can do is carry them around for the next 9 months)
  3. Because of hormones (if we use it for mums, we can use it for dads)
  4. Because the dad needs to form a special bond with the baby
  5. Because the mum should have a ‘rest’ by going back to work at the beginning. If she just went through pregnancy and labour, it’s now his turn to go through the early morning cluster feeds and change every nappy until the baby turns 2, at least
  6. Because dads are physically stronger and so can lift, carry or suspend babies, nappy bags and other tot-paraphernalia for longer
  7. Because dads have better spatial awareness for nappy-changing, pushchair navigating and baby-planes
  8. Because he doesn’t have to deal with mum guilt, and everyone will be praising him just for being a parent
 
These are tongue-in-cheek, but they show that nearly all the ‘reasons’ we give for mums being loaded with all the responsibility for kids when there’s a dad around aren’t as clear as we might think they are when we first hear them.
 
For every reason we have for mum’s being ‘naturally’ the only active parent, we can make up an equally daft one for dads being the only ‘natural’ parent. The word ‘natural’ is frequently misused to make the sexes look more different than they are in reality. It’s used to mean something we feel is right because of social rules, and what people around us expect, but doesn’t relate to anything substantial past that. The only natural thing that makes you a ‘natural’ parent is, well, being a parent.
 
The difference between the sexes when it comes to parenting is either negligibly small or irrelevant. What makes us ‘naturally’ better parents is not the contents of our pants, but the time we spend alone looking after our babies. It’s obvious when we say it out loud, but spending more time doing something, especially something as natural as childcare, makes us better at it.
 
Only less than a fifth of parents buy this ‘naturally better parent’ argument when they’re asked to think about it. But a lot of us can still buy into it without reflecting on it, from the things we hear at work, in baby advice books or from the platitudes like the ones above we hear around us.
 
It’s worth calling these ideas out when we hear them, and challenging them. That’s the only way we’ll encourage more people to feel comfortable with sharing parental responsibility between dads and mums.
What makes us ‘naturally’ better parents is not the contents of our pants, but the time we spend alone looking after our babies.
23 Comments
ruth cartwright link
19/7/2018 09:29:48 am

we have tried to parent as equally as possible. It's only right, we BOTH wanted children #ablogginggoodtime

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Mum on a mission link
19/7/2018 10:11:35 am

Great post with some excellent points. My husband has always helped around the house with chores and the amount of people who tell me how lucky I am and act as if he deserves a meddal is silly. Why should men not have to pull their weight at home! It's lovely to see someone addressing the issues of preconcieved social 'norms' for genders #ablogginggoodtime

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Emily link
20/7/2018 06:23:32 am

My husband and I equal with our parenting. Whilst I work and when the girls aren’t in school, my husband is with them and vice versa. He also does the majority of housework such as washing clothes and dishes, whilst I tend to do most of the cooking. Thanks for joining in with #ThatFridayLinky

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Maria | Passion fruit, paws and peonies link
20/7/2018 07:16:22 am

So many great points here. I'm a generation older than you and there was no wavering with the men and women roles - even though there was some conversation/complaints either way. I'm so pleased for my grown kids (and you guys of course) that it is changing. It should be the choice of a couple - good for you for standing up loud and proud x

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Rosie link
20/7/2018 11:24:19 am

Some great points here - and yes, both parents should 'parent' equally - we each have our strong points and then there are those jobs we'd much rather not do - but should do them equally as we both decided to have kids! #ABloggingGoodTime

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Claire Rocks link
20/7/2018 01:50:15 pm

I totally agree, both parents take equal parts in the upbringing of a child. its a joint effort...team work #ThatFridayLinky

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Mother of 3
21/7/2018 12:18:24 am

I love this! I can't tell you how many times I have been asked "is your husband baby sitting tonight?" when out by myself and I always respond with "no he's parenting them since he's their dad." Drives me nuts that we act like men can't handle parenting as well as women. Honestly my husband is so much better at some aspects than I am (like dealing with sick kids or keeping a level head in a crisis). #BlogCrush

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Tom @Ideas4Dads link
21/7/2018 08:52:19 am

Some really good points here - it really gets my goat when people quote the stereotypical BS about Mums and Dads and roles. Being the owner of a damaged back I often get 'those looks' for not doing the heavy lifting!!!

Reply
Mummy here and there link
21/7/2018 05:12:17 pm

Yes totally agree that parents should be equal. I don't have this natural maternal instinct bur my.hysbamdnis excellent X #tehsatsesh

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Nige link
22/7/2018 07:28:54 am

We share all of our parenting responsibilities and it works well great read Thank you for linking to #Thatfridaylinky please come back next week

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Lucy At Home link
23/7/2018 09:54:36 am

Since I started blogging, I have come across many posts on this topic and they've really opened up my eyes to the prejudice that is ingrained in me and in society about parenting. I think times are changing and we are appreciating more and more the value that dads bring to the home (and the value and that women bring to the work place).

I really agree with you on this topic, but I do feel it's important to point out that women are the ones who make milk so they are biologically designed to be the caregiver to young infants. That doesn't mean dads can't help out, but it should be a consideration. A dad can only offer artificial milk from a bottle which is not as good for the child (unpopular but true fact).

But, as I say, I'm totally on board with your point and am very grateful for a partner who does see our parenting as a partnership #blogcrush

Reply
Tubbs link
23/7/2018 11:53:56 am

This is so true. Mums and dads are both parents and both equally good at it. They may do things differently but that's not an issue.

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Lydia C. Lee link
24/7/2018 06:25:00 am

I think it's good if people bring different things to the table - and at difficult times it can be good to play good cop and bad cop so to speak - so when the teen is angry, they still have someone to turn to in the house (even if the good cop actually agrees with the bad cop)

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Enda Sheppard link
24/7/2018 09:24:06 am

So true there is no reason why men can't share it all 50-50. We do pretty much. #Triumphanttales

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Enda Sheppard link
24/7/2018 09:45:11 am

Don't know about 'naturally better" I just know I do pretty much the same things as my wife in the house, in terms of housework, shopping, times with the kids, worrying about the kids etc #DreamTeam

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Helena link
25/7/2018 04:35:12 pm

Think I may be guilty of thinking that hubby can do some carrying of the baby for 9 months or so especiallly when it comes to going on long country walks. #ablogginggoodtime

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Dave
25/7/2018 08:10:29 pm

Haha! I carry ours pretty much everywhere now. Feel it’s fair

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Kirsty Hall link
26/7/2018 01:02:24 pm

It seems illogical that any one parent would be better at it simply because of their gender. I know there are definitely areas of parenting that my husband is better at than me. Bath time and bed time for one. I always create chaos! However, there was no way I was giving up time off work after carrying the baby ;) Thanks for joining the #DreamTeam

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fridgesays link
27/7/2018 02:27:42 pm

#thesatsesh sorry I'm late in commenting, this post is awesome! i love how you've created true equality in your argument. Parents, guardians and anyone who cares can do a great job is they love and care - genitals are irrelevant in childcare.

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Lianne Harris link
27/7/2018 03:16:18 pm

Once the babies were born, I tried to get Hubby involved with a lot of things, some people may say I was palming responsibilities on him, but I saw it as he has limited time off before going back to work and I knew from our firstborn that he was jealous that I stayed at home with Ben. It takes two to tango, so why not two to parent???
Thank you for sharing this with us at #TriumphantTales. I hope to see you back next week!

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Dynamic Dad link
27/7/2018 07:29:55 pm

It's so good to see support spreading for fathers as parents, especially when mothers react to the "dad babysitting" comments too.

I do feel I need to challenge the breastmilk comment though - we lost so much blood that we couldn't produce. For those that can, it can still be expressed and bottle fed - by dad.

Dads are wired to parent. The belief that men were wired to hunt and defend is not untrue - the bit that is missing is that they are also wired to parent in order to teach the boys.

We were never raised by mum and suddenly knew how to hunt. We were raised by both parents, and often by many - generations and villages. Lets get back to that, it worked for thousands of years - and still does in many cultures.

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Jo - Pickle & Poppet link
29/7/2018 08:56:33 pm

Great points. Mums being the 'natural' carer is so dated. I did take the maternity leave but that was because I wanted to. With everything else we parent together. The kids are sick we take it in turns to take time from work. #TriumphantTales

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Lucy At Home link
1/8/2018 08:58:34 pm

Just popping back again because someone liked this post so much, they added it to the BlogCrush linky for some extra exposure. Congrats!

I can see that my earlier comment was not very popular so I just wanted to clarify a bit further - I think dads and mums both make great parents, but everyone brings different things to the table, either by biology (i.e. milk from mother) or by personality (e.g. maybe dad is more caring or mum is more patient) or by experience (maybe mum is a teacher or dad had younger siblings). So it's not about who is the better parent, rather making the most of what each party has to offer. #blogcrush

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    I'm Dave, dad of Little Bear. Also known as 'Pappa' to the little man as we try and bring out his Swedish roots

    My wife and I are sharing the troubles and joys of bringing up Little Bear equally. This is about my half of the time being responsible for not breaking the baby

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    • Latest posts
    • Little Personalities
    • Dads are parents too
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