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Bargaining with toddlers

24/1/2018

21 Comments

 
​Your toddler is always one-step ahead. Every problem that pops up, sleeping, moving, eating (or not eating), you’ll finally get to grips with it just as they move onto the next thing that knocks you for six. Like a bug that keeps on mutating each time your immune system gets use to it.
 
But this step forward’s different. Finally Little Bear’s moving onto familiar ground. He’s honing his ‘People Influencing’ skills, and starting to negotiate. The toddler’s outmanoeuvring of our ability to parent is no longer an unconscious leap of his developing body, it’s now moving into conscious thinking of how he can outsmart his carers. Working in negotiation for the last 10 years, this latest shift is making me proud (especially when he outsmarts me). He’s gone all these little ‘needs’ inside him, and now he can start thinking about smarter ways of getting them.
Toddler baby thinking look Little Bear Pappa dad's turn breakfast toast negotiating
The 'Thinking Look'
Finding the reasonable parent
 
The basic tactic and the first one toddlers tend to pick up is one we’re all very familiar with. They’re told they can’t have something they want and they just respond in denial: ‘No’. Little Bear then tells his cruel denying parent: ‘Bye-bye Pappa, Bye-bye’. In our house this is tantamount to being told to piss off. He toddles off to the other parent and askes for the same thing again. Maybe the other parent will be me reasonable.
 
First… then
 
My favourite is that he now understands the ‘First, Then’ formula. In negotiations we call this ‘conditionality’. You make giving ground conditional on getting something back.
 
  Pappa: ‘You need to have a nap now’
  Little Bear: ‘No sleep. Underground train‘
  Pappa: ‘First sleep, then we can go on the train’
  Little Bear: [thinking face]… ‘Yup, first sleep, then underground train’
  Pappa: [He’ll never remember the train when he wakes up, I’m safe from the pointless travelling I’ve just committed myself to]

  … 30 minutes later Little Bear springs awake: ‘Underground train!’
  Pappa: ‘He remembered! Sh*t! I mean... sugar. Don’t repeat that’
 
This has become more and more elaborate as I try and add the plans I had for the day into the bargain in the hope that he’ll forget his most inconvenient demand by the time we get there: ‘First sleep, then pushchair, then library songs, then lunch, then bus, then meet Josh’. Except with a memory way sharper than mine, he then turns into the day’s agenda, announcing the next activity each time we finish one. ‘So let’s take the train to see Josh’; ‘No Pappa! First Bus, then Josh’. [I told you that 3 hours ago! Stop remembering!]
 
Bargaining down to the sweet spot
 
As with all toddlers, Little Bear has his weird inexplicable obsessions. Few things make him happier than washing his hands and ‘doing’ the washing-up (for, hours). More than a little OCD.
 
  Little Bear: ‘Hands are dirty. Wash them?’
  Pappa: ‘No, they’re clean, and you washed them 5 minutes ago’
  Little Bear: ‘Pees? Wash hands? Pees Pappa?’
  Pappa: ‘… Ok, but only very quickly’
  Little Bear: [this is the best I’m gonna get with this stingy grump of a parent] ‘Yup, ok, quick wash’
 
Downplaying what he’s winning
 
When denied something he has an overwhelming need for, the toddler can either revert to the tantrum, find a more pliant adult, negotiate or just try and convince the parent that the concession he’s asking for isn’t that big after all. The last has become popular with technology.
 
  Little Bear: ‘Loo Toob?’
  Pappa: ‘No more You Tube because you just follow the ads and end up charging me for a lifetime supply of cat food’
  Little Bear: ‘… Netfix… Peppa Pig?’
  Pappa: ‘No, you’re only allowed Peppa Pig when you have a nappy change’
  Little Bear: ‘… Maybe… I’ve done a poo’
  Pappa: ‘You haven’t. Still no Peppa Pig’
 Little Bear: ‘Pictures?’ [the little narcissist likes to watch pictures of himself on my phone]
  Pappa: ‘… ok, here you go’
 
Little Bear takes the phone with the photo app open: ‘Bye-bye Pappa!’
He then hides behind a cushion on the sofa. There’s a few moments of silence…
Then Peppa Pig’s theme tune starts coming from the little den he’s made… When did he get better at navigating technology than his grandparents?
 
Knowing his leverage
 
Then finally there’s the toddler that knows their leverage over the parents and uses it to extract concessions. If a toddler feels like they know something matters to the adults, why wouldn’t he use it to his advantage?
 
Little Bear sits down in his high-chair to eat, but decides he only likes pasta which he’s already finished.
 
  Little Bear: ‘No likey my food. Maybe I can eat, Pappa’s food?’
  Pappa: ‘It’s the same as yours. Eat your own’
  Little Bear: [the thinking look] ‘No… Little Bear’s food is… all gone’
 Pappa: ‘It’s not, the vegetables and chicken are still there in front of you. Please eat something other than bread potato or pasta, you have the nutritional intake of a hamster on a carb-only diet’
  Little Bear lifts up his plate and dangles it over the edge of the table while looking us in the eye: ‘All, Gone’
  Pappa: ‘Ok! Put the plate back, and you can have some of Pappa’s peas’
He then shuffles over to sit on my knee, promptly plunging his little hands into the pile of pasta on my plate… I’m just grateful at this point for his OCD hand washing fixation.
 
 
What does all this mean for how I’m bringing him up? I’ve heard people say we’re too easy with him, even that we spoil him because he decides too much about what we do. But I couldn’t give a sh*t what they say. He’s learning how to negotiate life like a pro and doing his Pappa proud.
21 Comments
obsessive.compulsive.mother link
2/2/2018 10:21:29 am

Loved this piece! We are not far off this stage, and you actually make it sound like fun - it's so nice to read a positive post on toddlers. Laughed out loud at the YouTube/Peppa Pig negotiation, so familiar! Your Little Bear is definitely doing you proud :-) #ThatFridayLinky

Reply
Dave
9/2/2018 06:31:47 am

Thanks! Hope you enjoy it too

Reply
Nige link
3/2/2018 09:30:38 am

Loving this great post they learn very quickly and as parents we always lose hah! Thank you for linking to #Thatfridaylinky please come back next week

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Dave
9/2/2018 06:32:47 am

Does feel like that sometimes ;)

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Emily link
3/2/2018 11:18:36 am

Ah kids ay! They learn quickly! Thanks for joining in with #ThatFridayLinky

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David - Tales of Two Children link
3/2/2018 04:21:55 pm

Great post. Don't feel alone, we've all been there!
#ThatFridayLinky

Reply
Dave
9/2/2018 06:38:20 am

Cheers!

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Jo - Pickle & Poppet link
4/2/2018 09:29:12 pm

Ha ha. I still remember the first time my little boy negotiated with me. I was so shocked he got what he wanted. He still tries now and he's 4 although he knows it is less likely to work. It won't be long until my daughter starts I'm sure! #ThatFridayLinkt

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Dave
9/2/2018 06:37:44 am

The shock/pride factor definitely works in their favour when their little

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Noleen Miller link
6/2/2018 11:31:00 am

Oh the toddler years but believe me it does sometimes continue onto tweens and teens as well - and I find myself bargaining too. Everyone has their own parenting style - do what is best for you and your family.#dreamteam

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Dave
9/2/2018 06:36:24 am

Expecting it to get more elaborate then too!

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Tracy Albiero link
6/2/2018 01:09:23 pm

It is so hard to not negotiate. It is a good thing they are so cute! #dreamteam

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Dave
9/2/2018 06:35:15 am

Being cute makes it much easier!

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Annette, 3 Little Buttons link
9/2/2018 02:57:23 pm

Haha! That's absolutely hilarious. Isn't he utterly adorable. Loo Toob is priceless and props to him for being about to navigate from photos to the app. Toddlers these days are so techie. And as for planning your day... maybe you have an event planner/expert negotiator on your hands. Thanks for joining us for the #Dreamteam

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The Mummy Bubble
11/2/2018 01:25:29 pm

Aww what a smart young lad! Sounds like he's honing some top-notch negotiating skills already. I have similar issues with my little one and it's only getting worse! Thanks for sharing with #fortheloveofBLOG

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The Pramshed link
11/2/2018 06:26:16 pm

Really useful post especially for someone like who has a very demanding toddler on my hands. It’s really especially when she says ‘want chocolate’ over and over again. There’s some useful tips here, I just need to get better at negotiating. Claire x #BigPinkLink

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Daydreams of a mum link
13/2/2018 11:09:14 pm

Oh this brings back memories!!!! Although the smart negotiating toddlers are now super smart negotiating teenagers. .(secretly proud) #fortheloveofBLOG

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Chloe link
1/5/2018 07:01:52 am

Hi, this made me smile, the art of negotiation as they learn so quickly #triumphanttales

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Enda Sbeppard link
1/5/2018 10:44:45 am

Socialisation? Sure isn't it about finding smarter ways to get what you want, and just occasionally having to suck it up when you don't! #TriumphantTales

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chickenruby link
1/5/2018 02:41:43 pm

The only thing I can tell you about parenting as a mother who has survived 5 kids growing up is to pick your battles carefully and not give a shit about what other people think about your parenting skills and choices #triumphanttales

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Jaki link
4/5/2018 07:50:13 pm

He sounds perfectly normal to me! They are so clever! It does annoy me when people have an opinion on your parenting, it's no one else's business! Thanks for joining in with #TriumphantTales, hope to see you again next week!

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    I'm Dave, dad of Little Bear. Also known as 'Pappa' to the little man as we try and bring out his Swedish roots

    My wife and I are sharing the troubles and joys of bringing up Little Bear equally. This is about my half of the time being responsible for not breaking the baby

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