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Advice: the good, bad and confusing

19/8/2016

20 Comments

 
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​One thing we don't lack when bringing up a baby is advice. It's difficult to turn anywhere with a baby in-hand without getting told the best way to do something. From nappy-rashes to vaccinations, from crawling to sleeping to feeding to washing to soothing. This is reassuring and daunting; helpful and confusing; kind and irritating.

​Of course, deep-down we know that even if we ignored all the advice and just gave our baby love and support, the chances are they would still, like so many generations before us, turn out just fine. Equally we might follow the advice and produce the next Hitler (but at least it wouldn't be our fault). Still, we'll carry on looking for the advice, and we'll carry on getting it!
​From the moment you tell the doctor the test came back positive, or you hear your baby-heart beat at the first scan, the wave of baby advice begins. The first load of advice is from doctors and midwives telling you the latest way you need to take care of the bump. She mustn't eat blue cheese (but we love it), don't take baths (oh no, too late), exercise more (likely...), exercise less (perfect).
Yea, a lot of the advice can be contradictory. Plenty of older parents swear by babies sleeping on their front, but the evidence and latest medical advice says sleeping on their back is safer. Little Bear is refusing solids: some people say we should just wait until he asks for it, others that we just need to feed him until he gets use to it. For a full-night's sleep we should put the baby in another room and ignore him when he cries, but apparently to have an emotionally well adjusted child we should pick him up every time he wakes-up crying (I'm a softy so I have to pick up the little cuddle-pudding).
There's the old wives tales which are always fun: "he's developed eczema because: you're wife's not eating organic when breastfeeding/ he's drinking formula/ he's using disposable nappies/ he's not naked enough/ he's too naked/ he's had a vaccination". Or "if he walks too early he'll become a cripple". Or "if he learns more than one language he'll get confused and be backwards". We always went with the doctor or the latest research on these, but each to their own.
​But if you don't know what to do when your baby's poo turns green, it can be reassuring to have so much information, from calling the NHS (maybe it was overkill for green poo), to checking out the BabyCentre's website. If you're not sure how to settle a restless baby at night, or to find the right fix for your baby's colic, talking to other parents can give you loads of ideas to try out. You're all in the same boat after all. Our NCT WhatsApp group has been great for this!
​Of course, advice you ask for from friends is one thing, but there are a good number of strangers who are also happy to hand out advice. Often people who don't have a clue what's going on. My wife and I have been told Little Bear is crying because he's hungry (despite having been fed 10 minutes ago), that we should calm him by rocking not bouncing (despite rocking never having worked in the past) and that he's tired (no crap, and I've been trying to get him to sleep for the last 5 minutes), all by complete strangers. Yes, this should all be ignored.

For me, it's normally mums trying to help out the hapless dad, because being a bloke he probably can't change a nappy, get a bottle ready, or don't understand how to use the baby-carrier (... ok, so there was one time when Little Bear had put both legs through the same hole in the carrier...).
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​The worst unwelcome advice is when the baby is crying, and you're focused on trying to fix it, and a stranger is trying to help by telling you what will work when you know it wont. As a parent who through trial and error has learnt what goes well and what doesn't for their baby, someone saying that you need to try something you know wont work is just irritating, even if well intentioned. [I have already started giving out my own unwanted advice on babies. I'm sorry, it's just so tempting when you have your own! But I must resist]
​I notice that for my wife and other mums these comments from strangers tend to come with some judgment: "You really shouldn't do that you know"; "I never did that with my kids" (good for you).
 
Feeding is one of the worse areas for the judgmental advice to poor in. A friend of mine was really struggling with breastfeeding in hospital, and was told that here baby "would starve" if she didn't feed him properly... Wow, doesn't sound supportive or helpful.
​The breast vs. formula debate is of course a minefield. Around 30 years ago breastfeeding had a lot of stigma attached to it. In an attempt to promote breastfeeding, it feels like every piece of advice now stigmatises formula. And none of the advice takes into account the difficulties the family may be facing. The problem is, breastfeeding still has a stigma attached to it in a lot of public places too! So parents face problems however they choose to feed their baby. 
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I guess being able to have so much advice and support for bringing up a baby is really way better than having nothing, and even having contradictory advice is useful, because you know there are options to think about and choose from.

The best sort of advice is when you ask how to fix a problem, and you'll get a bunch of ideas to experiment with on your baby.

​But what about the silly stuff, and the unwanted (and often un-evidenced) stuff. Despite being well intended, it rarely comes from someone who knows what you are going through as a family, or who knows your baby. 
For Little Bear, we've listened, looked for the evidence, and where there isn't any, decided what works best of us and ignored the rest. So far he's still in one piece!
20 Comments
Jeff link
30/8/2016 07:15:39 pm

I couldn't agree more with this article. I've had older people give me advice who have adult children that are NOT how I'd like mine to be. I cracked up reading this line "Equally we might follow the advice and produce the next Hitler (but at least it wouldn't be our fault)." Brilliant! I also love the people who say you have to buy tons of Baby Einstein toys for them to learn correctly. Maybe they are good, maybe not. But guess who didn't use these toys? The actual Einstein!

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Dave
30/8/2016 08:08:05 pm

Haha! Good one about Einstein. Cheers Jeff, glad you agree

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Charlotte link
5/9/2016 09:42:05 am

Fab post! Couldn't agree more, I hate getting advice from others when I haven't asked for it, even from my own parents - and your right mums are judged a lot and men are thought to be inadequate. I still get 'are you sure your husband can handle the kids on his own! What if....?' But it will still come, and we will still nod politely and take the advice we have asked for #MarvMondays

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Kaye link
10/9/2016 05:52:58 pm

Oh the advice has driven me mad since having kids. The worst is 'you'll spoil them of you keep picking them up'. You mean my newborn who doesn't even have the capacity to think about manipulation. 🙈 Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Kaye xo

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Dave
10/9/2016 08:14:58 pm

That's a good one. I've had that too! The ridiculous idea that making a newborn who's afraid and confused feel safe and loved will turn them into a horrible person seems so backwards to me! Thanks Kaye

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oddhogg link
16/9/2016 01:24:06 pm

I totally agree! Advice is all good and well if you've asked someone for it - but I hate when people volunteer what THEY would do #binkylinky

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Emily link
16/9/2016 02:11:02 pm

Yes! This! I hate when people give unwelcome advice. If I want advice, I'll ask for it. Thanks for linking up to the #BinkyLinky

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mummy here and there link
29/9/2016 05:29:14 pm

Ugh.. So much advice abd so conflicting and your right it is a total mind field! I think your right thought with weighing it all up and working what is best for you and your family X #bestandworst

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Helen Gandy link
30/9/2016 10:03:23 pm

I think sometimes you just have to use your instinct and be lead by your gut without a doubt!! Great post - thanks for linking up #bestandworst

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Five little doves link
6/10/2016 11:16:43 am

I love this! Why do people feel the need to give such unwanted advice! I was so stressed out about all of the advice given with my first and yet by the time I had my fifth I refused to listen to any of it! Trust your own instinct is the best advice I would give t anyone, the rest of it they can keep to themselves! #Brilliantblogpost

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Save
6/10/2016 11:19:13 am

So true. A parent's instincts are often better than a lot of the advice anyway!

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Jackie link
6/10/2016 11:31:22 am

So nice to hear a dad perspective for a change ;-) I struggled a lot with the unwanted advice when baby was crying and people insisted things would work that I knew very well wouldn't . The thing I don't understand is it's often other parents! All well intentioned as you say but anger inducing all the same.

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The Tale of Mummyhood link
6/10/2016 02:14:11 pm

Well said! I hate the advice - like you say we know what to do with our own children through trial and error! Nosey parkers!

#brillblogposts

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Catie link
10/10/2016 06:58:36 am

I find it's best to act like the penguins in Madagascar and smile and wave or just say thank you very much for your input and leave it at that! It catches a lot of busybodies off guard! Thank you for linking up to #EatSleepBlogRT

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Sarah Stockley link
15/12/2016 10:44:25 am

Everyone's an expert when it comes to baby advice. It used to annoy me when strangers would "try and help." But I think I'm guilty of trying to give advice too. Sarah #ablogginggoodtime

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Laura - Dear Bear and Beany link
16/12/2016 09:15:41 pm

The day I stopped taking all the advice (criticism) to heart and learn to trust my own instincts, was a good day. You learn that every baby is different and even the best intentionally advice I learnt to take the bits I liked and ignored the rest. Why strangers feel the need to do it or think that it is ok I will never understand! Thank you for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove

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Dave
18/12/2016 10:03:10 pm

So true, so true !

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Helena link
17/12/2016 09:43:38 pm

This is brilliant. There sure is a lot of advice out there that it can be overwhelming. #SharingtheBlogLove

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Katy - Hot Pink Wellingtons link
21/12/2016 12:17:29 pm

I think it's great that as a parent you are able to look up a problem and find a range of advice on how to deal with it. It's one of the great things about the age we live in. But the problem comes when the advice is unsolicited (which, if it happens in person, it almost always is!). I strongly believe that no-one knows a baby as well as it's parents, and that a parent's instinct is usually spot on. It took me a while to realise this and I was a much happier mum when I did! Thank you for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove

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Crummy Mummy link
4/1/2017 11:55:13 am

I definitely thinks it's best to go with your instinct - there's so much conflicting advice you'd go mad if you tried to take it all on board! #ablogginggoodtime

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    I'm Dave, dad of Little Bear. Also known as 'Pappa' to the little man as we try and bring out his Swedish roots

    My wife and I are sharing the troubles and joys of bringing up Little Bear equally. This is about my half of the time being responsible for not breaking the baby

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