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Becoming a
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First day and feeling more chilled about public meltdowns
Ever felt embarrassed or guilty when your kid causes a scene in public? Felt that pressure from other people to get them ‘under control’ as quickly as you can, when you know it’s nearly impossible? Shortly after our arrival in Stockholm, the different attitude to kids start to become apparent. Kids have tantrums because they haven’t learnt to regulate their emotions yet. The Nordic approach leans onlookers towards being nice to the kids (and even the parents in the process!).
And so, after 3 months of endless admin, planning and packing in London, at 10:00 a taxi arrived to take us to Gatwick Airport for the big flight. Well, actually the taxi company cancelled the 10:00 taxi without telling us, then apologised for not having a taxi available in time. So the 10:30 taxi (another company) arrived and Little Bear waved goodbye to the house: “Bye-bye home, bye-bye Greenwich, see you soon”… Err, not that soon little guy.
It definitely felt like time to move. The house was empty, with everything either sold, sent or stored, and even our old sofa we’d had since we got our first place in London over a decade ago was gone. It’s an odd feeling. You suddenly realise as you lock the door for the last time that for the next few hours at least, you don’t have a home. Can you make the new place a home? Why didn’t you think about how this was going to impact you all? Is this the right thing to do? But it all picked up when we arrived at the airport. In good Nordic style, the Norwegian Air staff rushed over to us as we dragged far too many bags whilst herding the toddler towards the baggage check-in. They helped us with the bags and labels and we were through in record time (in stark contrast to our normal Ryanair and EasyJet stress). Using Sweden’s worker and parent friendly equivalent to Uber, ‘TaxiJakt’, a driver picked us up at the airport (with a little sign showing our first names in the arrival hall and a toddler seat ready installed in the car). Once in the flat we immediately headed out to the local shops to stock up on food for dinner. After finding our first expat snag (there are NO Weetabix in Sweden! How, will, Little Bear, cope?), Little Bear decided he needed to do the shopping. Having not slept during the flight, this including having a few melt-downs when the barrier wouldn’t open backwards or he wasn’t allowed to fill his basket up with ice-cream. This was preceded by some overtired giggling as he tried to climb on the displays and into the basket. Embarrassing for me? Weirdly not. The thing that struck me the most, and made me relax in a way that I never have whilst in similar situations in London, was the reaction of the other customers. From elderly men and women to a teenager (not just parents), Little Bear’s antics were commented on. Comments aimed at both me and him. But the comments weren’t what I was expecting. Instead:
It felt like the situation was normal, and most importantly, ok. My style of parenting was being supported by the people around me. Despite everything being different from home, the reactions around me to Little Bear’s behaviour made me feel more relaxed than I’ve been in my local Sainsbury’s or Co-op for a long-time. Here his antics are a kid being cute, not a nuisance. Don’t get me wrong, people were nice in London too! But a lot of the glances (frequently frowns) I got from other adults just felt more judgmental. I felt under pressure to ‘control my kid’, which is bloody difficult when they’re tired, 2, and you need to do something else at the same time. People don’t comment on your kids when they have tantrum’s in public in England, but they do look at you. I don’t think I’m being paranoid when I say that what they’re often thinking is “he really needs to get control of that child”, or equally judging the child for losing their shit. I’ve grown up in a culture that praises discipline for kids, and thinks it’s great when kids are ‘well behaved’. A tantrum happens when something has ‘gone wrong’, so when it happens in public, you feel like a failure and like your’re not doing the parent thing very well. Contrast this to my first day in the land of Pippi Longstockings (consummate rebel child), and there the judgmental pressure is all gone. Having visited Sweden a lot before, I do know that such situations are not pressure free. But the pressure is reversed. I don’t want to shout at my child when he is clearly struggling to cope with his emotions. But often in London I felt that others expected me to in order to restore control. I am quite certain (and have seen it), that if a parent shouts at their kid in public, the happy and sympathetic gazes change. Swedes in general do not look kindly on big people shouting angrily at small people. It’s not to say it doesn’t happen of course, we all lose our control now and again, but parents shouting at their kids are seen as people losing not restoring control over the situation. I’ve been a little taken aback by how common these friendly comments and looks from others are, but I’m starting to really like it. It feels like you have a bunch of people around you supporting you through the stressful parts of parenting, and like they understand or even remember what it can be like. And like you, they are empathising with your kid, and not expecting them to be little adults when their age is in the single digits.
23 Comments
15/11/2018 09:37:14 am
I LOVE this post, I want to move now! I remember telling my mum that my hubby and I would never smack our children, this was 15 years ago now, and that she would never be allowed to if one was in her care. She told me that she though my ideas on parenting were too soft and I would wind up with very naughty children some day. My children now are 14, 11 and 9 and years ago she apologised and said she couldn't believe how well behaved my children were. She admitted she didn't know another way and now she wishes she had parented differently. Thanks for joining in with us #ABloggingGoodTime
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Dave
20/11/2018 04:13:39 pm
That's so great! And congrats on holding out as well :) I'm glad it paid off so well with your kids
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15/11/2018 10:05:37 am
Wow - What a turn around. My aspie 10 year old still plays up/meltsdown in public sometimes.and it's usually all judgemental stares. This post is awesome xx #Ablogginggoodtime
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Dave
20/11/2018 04:14:41 pm
Thanks Kerry. Feel strongly the only thing you should get in that situation is support from people around you
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15/11/2018 05:21:29 pm
So glad the move has gone well. And you are making Scandinavia sound better every post. So glad you are finding everyone so friendly. We need to be more Scandi! #ABloggingGoodTime
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Dave
20/11/2018 04:15:29 pm
I hope we can over time :)
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16/11/2018 04:14:45 pm
Big emotions can sometimes cause a scene. I am beyond the point of caring what others think. Glad he was well recieved! #thatfridaylinky
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Dave
21/11/2018 10:27:38 pm
Hope so! fingers crossed
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18/11/2018 06:04:20 pm
love it. I've always thought that the most judgy people either didn't have kids of their own or were harboring some sort of guilt about the way they yell at their own kids. In either case, screw them. Sounds like you've managed to get away from some of that, and thats fantastic #thatfridaylinky
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Dave
20/11/2018 04:12:38 pm
Cheers Jeremy! I think there might be some truth in what you say ;)
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18/11/2018 08:02:06 pm
Gosh sounds idyllic! I need to move. I just wrote the other week about how I feel judged and how people don't understand what it is like to be out and about with four little people. Tantrums happen and I need the kind of support you got there not judgement! Kids are just kids. Thanks for sharing with the #DreamTeam
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D
20/11/2018 04:11:42 pm
Yea, it's something I really didn't like either but you can't really say or do anything about it because, well, you're kid is having a tantrum and people are just having opinions. I guess it's hard for mums because they're expected to 'be on top' a lot. As a dad, I just felt I was letting the side down a lot with a sort of pressure that as a dad no-one expected me to be competent. But they're just toddlers, who have meltdowns!
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27/11/2018 08:23:17 am
I really enjoyed reading this post and I look the attitude of the people there in the Nordics. What lovely people they seem. I felt it was similar when we visited New Zealand. I totally agree with Kind Parenting and that is how I brought up my children. Have you discovered 'Lucy At Home' blog yet? I think you parent alike xx #TriumphantTales
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27/11/2018 10:34:55 am
I have always hated that judgemental side of people when kids were acting out ... and I also subscribe to separating behaviour that is actually naughty to reactions that are manifestations of a small person trying to deal with emotions and situations they don't know how to handle yet, and need our support and guidance to earn how to cope. #TriumphantTales
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7/12/2018 07:50:09 pm
I love reading about your life and how different it is. I so want to move.
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8/12/2018 07:50:41 am
Wouldn't the world be a much nicer place if everyone acted in this way? I'm quite an anxious person so if there's a public meltdown and I feel judgement from others it often ends up ruining the rest of my day when it really doesn't have to. I'm getting better at pretending they're not there but I'd much prefer if they actually weren't. Support over judgement any day please. #thesatsesh
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8/12/2018 09:20:34 pm
Totally been here a few times, especially as my eldest has potential autism and has meltdowns and people are so quick to judge X #thesatsesh
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10/12/2018 08:02:11 pm
Wow , well I certainly prefer this approach. I always try to be supportive when I see this happening as all us parents have been there . .. feeling excrutiated by the tuts an looks #blogcrush
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10/12/2018 09:30:51 pm
#thesatsesh perspective often changes a situation when the situation has never changed....sounds like a good move to me. Enjoy :)
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I'm jumping on a plane asap!!!! I TOTALLY understand exactly where you are coming from. What lovely comments from passers-by that definitely normalise the situation and offer you some breathing space and camderaderie too. There does feel like there is an element of judgement of children being children in the British culture - i have learned not to let it affect me now but I have found it upsetting in the past. I'm so pleased the move seems to have started so positively! #thesatsesh
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28/12/2018 05:18:38 pm
I LOVE THIS POST! Perhaps we all should move to the land of Pippi! #thesatsesh xo
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This BlogMoving from London to Stockholm, this blog is about learning to become a Nordic Dad as I settle Little Bear into his new home Categories
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